Saturday, May 8, 2010


I haven't really began to figure out much with this blog, actually I have almost nothing but I suppose I am in the mood to put some words down...and it is so much easier to type than handwriting them...( pretty sad really )

I feel so out of sorts lately...good, bad, sick, crazy....I can't decide day-to-day, or even minute-to-minute! I am so stressed out most of the time ( though I really don't have a whole lot of reasons to be ) that I am on edge constantly, and I feel like I am slipping into some kind of monster mom outfit that I never wanted to wear. Cranky, Cranky, Cranky. Who knows what is going on with me...who ever knows really. Not I. And if I don't know...well, who would?

I have noticed that I am beginning to age. For the longest time I looked like a teenager...I got stares from people in the grocery store as I pushed around my then 3 year old child, because I suppose most people assumed I was a child myself...( although I think it also has a lot to do with the way I dressed...etc ) but in the last 2 years I have aged...drastically. Part of it is from having another child and yet again putting on way too much weight....leaving me with a puffy, almost swollen looking face. I have tired eyes...because well, I am tired. Always. I also think that my fiance's children living with me for almost a year also had something to do with it... ( I have never in my life known stress like that. ) I ran myself ragged trying to potty train them, teach them basic table manners, how to name it..and then of course... my significant other....We argue. Mostly silly little fights that we both know don't really mean anything, but even the most trivial fight can be draining. He travels for his job so most of our fights are over the telephone meaning we argue, say stuff we don't mean, I cry...we make up and it's over...well mostly... I am usually left with puffy eyes a headache, and no one to cuddle up to in bed to make it all better.

Don't get me wrong, I still look young for the most part... I pretty much have caught up to my actual age ( 25 ), but I still don't feel any better about it. I am a big girl who is mostly ok with it ( being big that is ) & have always prided myself on my "cute" appearance, but now I don't really know how to feel about myself. Looking in the mirror is a struggle, I see this puffy faced woman who I don't recognize. Most days ( regardless of the occasion ) I can't muster up the time or strength to pull off anything other than a messy bun...I have like one outfit I seem to always fact I have very few outfits PERIOD, and none of them look too swell so I go with what works ( sorta ). Moral of this story....I am a mess. My children are always beautifully outfitted, matching everything, daughter with matching bow's and shoes, and son with matching shoe's and whatever else ( because I am crazy and fear I might die if they do not :O ) ....but me....blah.

I feel bad that I am starting this blog out this way, but I really need to vent this. I need to vent that I feel like I look like a slob every single day, and that the worst part is....most days I don't even care ( until I do ). I don't look like myself anymore....but of course I fail to remember this is me...these days.

It's not that I don't care about's just that it's so difficult. It's difficult for ME to work my size into a budget...don't get me wrong I dig big girls...they are beautiful just like Mika says! I see so many beautiful stylishly dressed women online that it kills me! ( I have such an eye for everything other than for's nuts! ) I just cant seem to dress myself and feel good about my choices...especially when I am trying to be as thrifty as possible. Fat=expensive. I know...I know...there are amazing fatties out there who look fabulous in outfits they have found for like $2 dollars TOTAL ( and I am an amaaaazing bargain shopper in every other area as well! ) but I just can't seem to budget fat! So there is problem # 1....and I guess I am one of those glass is half empty sorta people because if the outfit is bad....why try ??? Why fix up my hair and makeup when I am wearing an old stained t-shirt and my only pair of jeans that are ripped on the bottoms? Doesn't seem worth it.

Basically...I feel like a big pile of shit. The end.

I guess I am throwing myself a pity party today because A. I am fed up with all of it, and B. I am tired of how I interact with other people ( or how they interact with me...I'm not really sure? ) and it makes me cranky. What do I mean exactly? Well...plain and simple, I don't fit in...with anyone really. I have a best friend who lives several hours away...and then of course my family ( my kids, my man, my mom...etc ) but at times life seems so very lonely. I take my children parks, to school, to the library, to parties...but I am always the mom standing around looking awkward, the one that gets ignored by people..even the ones I know people I went to school with for 13 years? But like I said earlier, I am not sure if it's me, them, or a little bit of both. I am pretty sure it's a combination of both. Me finding them utterly ridiculous, them finding me strange and standoffish....etc. Either way I grow tired of it. Even my own Mom excludes horribly sad is that ?? She and her friends go out...of course all of their children are invited except me. I try not to make too much of a fuss about it because I feel childish even putting these feelings makes me seem like some crazy uni bomber kid who carries around a huge backpack and has no friends to sit with in the lunchroom. But really...It sorta sucks.

So I suppose that is it for now. I hope that next time I am not such a whiny downer-pants., because there is nothing worse than the person who sits around complaining that no one likes them all the time :( They are usually pretty annoying. ;)

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